I don't know why this blog exists, really. I don't need you to read it. I don't need you to put your two cents in and comment on my life. I don't even know what I have to say.
Yesterday was a bad day. Probably my lowest in a long time. By the end of it, I found myself outside staring at the sky, having some sort of reality check with myself and some kind of a Come-To-Jesus (ha!) with whatever spiritual entity is out there.
Right, so, when you realize you're standing in your backyard, leveling with a deity, that's an interesting day. After you become aware of the fact that you're actually talking out loud, well, then you just start to feel crazy. But at the end of that conversation I felt more sane than I had in months.
I explained to whoever I was talking to that I don't know his/her name (henceforth referred to using male pronouns to avoid confusion) and that I resent the implication that whatever he has to say to me is filtered through the corporation of organized religion. Despite my disdain for his purported vehicle, I acknowledged his existence and then I called him out.
I suppose everyone I know who has a strong faith based in an established religion would pee their holier-than-thou pants if I told them I called out the higher power, but I'm tired of being fucked with and I reached my limit. So I told this unnamed being that in case he was wondering, I'm not Job and I certainly don't have the strength to be tested to the extremes that Job was. Should he feel the need to move forward with the test at hand, I will accept his test, but said test has the high probability of breaking me mentally and emotionally. Should that happen, he better be ready to accept my anger and resentment. I basically said, "Fine, ok, do this to me, but after it's done don't be surprised if I call you an asshole behind your back and don't call for a while."
I'm sure a huge portion of the world considers what I just did/said blasphemous, but frankly, I don't give a damn. I made my peace and I had some amazing epiphanies in the process. I'm not going to blather on about my epiphanies here because they were all revelations about me as a person and I'm not looking to go on quite that kind of saccharine bender just yet. Suffice to say, ultimately this unnamed entity held up his end of a pseudo-deal I made with him/her/it at the end of our conversation and today is a better day.
There's still some room for the bottom to fall out, in which case, I suppose I'll be suffering the consequences for speaking out of turn to a deity.
